talofa, to all readers and bloggers
We are learning to make writing entertaining
I can add interesting words and phrases to create an image for the reader. I can structure a descriptive passage
our teacher keeps giving us images and we have to write our own story to go with the image.
The Secret Of Space
Get ready for launch, one of the launchers said. We are going to launch in a few minutes so get ready ok i said, went inside the rocket with my cousin.They were counting down from five, five…four… three…two…one blast off!!!, Rumble rumble whoosh we went in the sky this is so cool i said in my head a few hours later we landed we were ready to go out as we were going out we saw another planet but this had a big hole in it in the hole
My improved one…
Get ready for launch, one of the launchers said, We are going to launch in a few minutes so get ready, ok i said, I went inside the rocket with my cousins.
They were counting down from five, five… four… three…two…one blast off!!! rumble, rumble, whoosh, we went in the sky this is so awsome I said in my head, A few hours later we landed we were ready to go out, As we were going out we saw another planet but this planet had a big hole in it.
In the hole there were two blue eyes it seemed to be a creature it looked terrified to see someone like me even if it was bigger than me. It seemed friendly though, I told her that I was friendly so she put her head out. I said hi to her then she said hi back. Me and my cousins were having so much fun with her. While we were playing with her more and more appeared so we played with all of them. We had so much fun with all of them that they didn’t want us to leave, so we stayed there for a lot longer. We played tag because we new it would be hard for all of us so we played tag and you hnow what it was really hard for all of us, Because we would just bump into each otherso we stoped playing.
My feedback Organisation Your story flows well, and you’ve started to use paragraphs to separate ideas, which helps with coherence. To improve, make sure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or event, like the launch or meeting the creatures. This will make your story even clearer.