talofa lava readers
We are learning how to make writing entertaining.
I can:
I can add interesting words and phrases to create an image for the reader. I can structure a descriptive passage. I can use similes, metaphors, onomatopoeia, hyperbole and personification.
Our teacher always gives us interesting story’s to write about this is my story
my original story:
Today we are going to the stardome. We all got to school at the right time for the bus to get here. We waited for the bus to come and we saw the bus coming and we were all so excited, we all jumped up and got on the bus.
When we arrived at the stardome we started screaming our lungs out. It was so awesome that I started to sneak away, started running, hiding, snooping and then I found a back door. I wanted to go through it so bad. I was thinking for so long should I go in or should I go back to my friends.
I found the courage to go in and I opened the door and I found an enormous, jigantas, huge real life rocket site. I walk around the rocket and find a hatch to go inside the rocket. I go in and the hatch closes and I go looking around and I start sensing that I was not alone. Something was with me. I could smell it like it was following me.
I heard a beep sound coming from outside and someone pressed the button sending me out into space.
I screamed for help, then I started crying on the floor thinking if I`d ever go home again. At that moment I heard a noise coming from the left side of me.
It was a six eyed creature. It had eight legs and was as big as an elephant. I screamed and then there was a blinking light and I thought that it was an emergency alarm.
The alien started making a noise. It sounded like a whimpering sound like it was scared I was scared so I began to become friends with the alien.
My improved story:
Finding space creature
Today we are going to the stardome. We all got to school at the right time for the bus to get here. We waited for the bus to come and we saw the bus coming and we were all so excited, we all jumped up and got on the bus.
When we arrived at the stardome we started screaming our lungs out. It was so awesome that I started to sneak away, started running, hiding, snooping and then I found a back door. I wanted to go through it so bad. I was thinking for so long should I go in or should I go back to my friends.
I found the courage to go in and I opened the door and I found an enormous, gigantic, huge real life rocket site. I walk around the rocket and find a hatch to go inside the rocket. I go in and the hatch closes and I go looking around and I start sensing that I was not alone. Something was with me. I could smell it like it was following me.
I heard a beep sound coming from outside and someone pressed the button sending me out into space.
I screamed for help, then I started crying on the floor thinking if I`d ever go home again. At that moment I heard a noise coming from the left side of me.
It was a six eyed creature. It had eight legs and was as big as an elephant. I screamed and then there was a blinking light and I thought that it was an emergency alarm.
The alien started making a noise. It sounded like a whimpering sound like it was scared. I was scared so I backed off and ran down the hall.
I ran as fast as I could to get away from that thing. I hid in a dark and creepy room. I sat in the dark waiting for help. until I saw a dash of light. I ran to it. I got to the light and it was an incoming planet.
My feedback:
Feedback:
You spell most words correctly, which is great! You also attempt some difficult words like “enormous” and “gigantis.” Keep practicing spelling by using phoneme-grapheme relationships and spelling rules to improve even more.
You use correct punctuation at the beginning and end of most sentences, which helps make your story clear. To improve, try using a wider range of punctuation, like commas for lists or to separate clauses, to make your writing more varied and interesting. For example, use commas to separate actions or thoughts