Kia Ora Everyone. This week In writing we had to create a narrative about a day as an adult. While doing this we met new site called class companion. It give you a total score on how you’re writing is. My feed back I received from this site
“BRRRING.” The alarm clock rang loudly. I had just fallen asleep a few hours ago; I was feeling very overwhelmed starting my new job and couldn’t sleep. I got up and went into the bathroom to get ready. I was finished with brushing my teeth, and then I could barely take a step before I slipped on the hard wet floor. Later that morning, I realised I would be late. I quickly got up off the couch and ran to the kitchen. I only had about 45 minutes to make breakfast. I quickly got the eggs and bread and rushed to the toaster; as I was putting the bread in the toaster, one of my eggs fell off and cracked onto the floor. Instead of eggs and toast, I only managed to make butter and toast because of how late I was. I finished my meal and headed off to the car.
As I got in, I checked the time, and I froze, feeling a knot of panic tightening in my stomach. “I’m already late!” I said to myself. I started the car and zoomed off in panic. My hands shook thinking that I would get fired on my very first day. As I was driving, I had stopped because there was a lot of traffic; I immediately felt anxiety kicking in, and I began to worry. I waited minutes, and then minutes turned to hours until I got to the main road where my job was. I sped up a bit to get there faster. I got to the parking lot to see a whole bunch of cars. I finally found a parking spot. I got out and went inside to see a furious man.
When my eyes saw him, I knew that I would be in a lot of trouble; I knew that he was my boss. He first asked me if I was Kasaina. “Yes,” I replied. I could see the wrath of anger inside of him, and before I knew it, he began to yell. Ranting about why I was late. I explained to him how I was stuck in the middle of traffic and had very little sleep, but he did not really care; and told me to go where my office is. I ignored the negativity and went to see where my office was.
As I was looking I found someone and asked them where my office could be. He told me to go just to the left and my office should be there. As I got there I saw a laptop, drawers, a wooden chair, and a bunch of paper and pens. I already felt comfortable here. I sat on my chair and began working quietly, as I was working, a bunch of viruses popped up out of nowhere. I thought I might have broken it, so I tried to fix it to carry on with work.
I was very close to giving up and telling my boss, but then something in my head started ringing. I remembered how I’d fix my iPad as a kid. I got to my settings on my computer, found the Wifi connection, and disconnected it. As I looked around on the computer, everything seemed fine. I switched to my data on my phone to ensure safety and decided to use it for work today. Finally, it is better than it was before. “Phew!” I sighed in relief. I was glad that it was fixed; otherwise I would have had to tell my boss, and he would not be happy.
As I sat down, I worked on some designs created by other people and began to rearrange them on my computer. Later on, I had finally finished my shift and melted into my seat in my car; it was 100% more comfortable than those hard, cold, wooden seats. I drove to the nearest restaurant, “McDonald’s,” and ordered something called a “McChicken with a cold, refreshing Coke Zero paired with large fries.” I slammed the accelerator pedal while eating and got directed back to my house; I stumbled into the house. I’m barely awake, so I shut my door and hopped onto the couch and snored away. That’s my day!
Ideas
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Your story has a clear problem and solution, which is great! The idea of dealing with a stressful first day and solving a computer issue is well thought out. To make your story even more engaging, try to add more details about your feelings or thoughts during key moments. For example, you could describe how you felt when fixing the computer problem or when you finally relaxed at the end of the day.
Structure and language
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Your story has a clear beginning, middle, and end, which is excellent! You’ve used language that fits the narrative style well. Your use of transitions like “Later on,” helps the story flow nicely. Keep up the good work in maintaining this structure and language!
Organisation
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Your ideas are well-organized, and the story flows logically from start to finish. You used paragraphs to separate different parts of the story, which helps the reader follow along. To improve further, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or event. For instance, you could use more transitions like “After work” to guide the reader smoothly between events.
Vocabulary
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You have used a range of everyday words and some precise phrases, like “feeling a knot of panic tightening in my stomach,” which adds detail and interest. To enhance your story further, try incorporating even more precise and varied word choices. For instance, you might describe the office environment with more vivid vocabulary.
Sentence structure
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You used a variety of sentence structures, making your writing interesting to read. Most of your sentences are correct and show some variety. To improve, try to add more extending phrases or clauses to add depth to your sentences. For example, you could include more detail about what you were thinking or feeling when you fixed the computer problem.
Punctuation
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You’ve done a great job using a wider range of punctuation correctly, including commas and semicolons. This helps your writing flow smoothly and clearly. Keep up the excellent work in using punctuation to enhance your writing!
Spelling
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You spelled high-frequency and some difficult words correctly, which is impressive! Keep up the great work. Your spelling accuracy adds to the clarity and professionalism of your writing. Well done!